The Asgardian Edition of Whose Line?
by Theater Raven
Summary: What happens when the realm of Asgard takes its twist on the popular improvisation show. :


**The Asgardian Edition of "Whose Line is It, Anyway?" **

**Drew Carey**: Good Evening, everyone, and welcome to "Whose Line is It, Anyway?"! Tonight:

She proved a maiden could be on this show—Sif!

He knows how to put a damper on mythology—Erik Selvig!

Without him, rainstorms would be really boring—Thor!

And mischief's afoot—Loki!

And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some fun!

(The audience cheers, Drew goes and sits at his desk.)

**Drew Carey**: Welcome to "Whose Line is It, Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like an inevitable August-scheduled invasion of Los Angeles by the Frost Giants.

(The audience laughs.)

**Erik**: Actually, recent studies have shown that, thanks to global warming, they _are_ slowly adjusting to hotter climates.

(The audience's laughter becomes nervous murmuring that eventually dissolves into silence as they all look at Erik.)

**Erik**: (Bursting into laughter) I didn't think you guys would actually _believe_ me!

**Drew Carey**: Instilling panic in our studio audience aside, let's start the show with one of my favorite games—Party Quirks! This is for all four of you. Erik, you're going to be hosting a party. Thor, Sif, and Loki are going to be your guests, but we've given them each a strange quirk or identity written on these cards here, they've never seen the cards before, and you have to guess who they are. So, Erik, whenever you're ready, start the party and I'll bring them in one at a time with the doorbell.

**Erik**: (Opens invisible oven door, takes out tray) Oh, boy, the chocolate chip cookies are done! Just in time for the party! I hope my friends get here soon—these taste best when they're fresh. (Doorbell) They're here! (Opens door) Hi, Thor!

(Thor enters slowly. His card reads, "An elderly King Arthur trying to prove he can still pull Excalibur from the stone".)

**Thor**: (Hobbling towards the center of the set) It brings my heart great joy that this day has finally arrived!

**Erik**: Um, yeah, I know, we've been planning this party for weeks. Hey, are you hungry? I just made some chocolate chip cookies.

**Thor**: Eating? Eating? Are you mad? Who has time for eating now?

**Erik**: Still partial to Pop Tarts, huh? Okay, well, in that case—. (Doorbell) Oh, hang on a second, I have to get the door. (Opens the door) Hey, Sif, come on in!

(Sif just stands there. Her card reads, "Distraught over a haircut gone horribly wrong".)

**Sif**: Look at me!

**Erik**: You look lovely.

**Sif**: Don't try to be nice! I'm hideous!

**Erik**: Oh, stop it, no you're not. (Comfortingly takes her by the arm) Come on into the party, it'll be fun.

**Sif**: I _can't_ come to your party anymore, Erik, not looking like this! Oh, why did I let him talk me into it, why?

**Erik**: (Ushering her to the invisible buffet table) It'll be okay, go have a cookie.

**Sif**: (Sniffles) Actually, I'm more partial to clam dip, but thanks. (Dips invisible bread into invisible dip and eats)

**Erik**: Why isn't anybody trying my chocolate chip cookies?

**Thor**: (Pointing) There it is!

**Erik**: Yes, Thor, the cookies are over there, if you'd be so kind to have one.

**Thor**: Not that, you dimwitted peasant! Behold the stone!

**Erik**: (Looks confused for a beat) Yeah, it adds a rustic charm to my living room, doesn't it?

**Thor**: I care not what you do with the stone once I've completed my task. You may keep it as a piece of home décor if you wish.

(Thor stands in front of the invisible stone holding Excalibur. The doorbell rings.)

**Erik**: (Opening the door) Loki! How've you been?

(Loki's card reads, "The world's first talking mime". He smiles an exaggerated smile and shakes Erik's hand vigorously before entering.)

**Erik**: (Taken aback by the handshake) Good to see you, too, man, come on in. (Goes and picks up tray, offers it to Loki) Hey, want a chocolate chip cookie? Thor and Sif have steered clear of them, but I'm sure you'd love one!

(Loki grins and licks his lips at the sight of the cookies, rubbing his hands together excitedly like a little boy, prompting some people in the audience to go, "Awwww!")

**Loki**: (Eats a cookie and then . . .) _Delicious!_

**Erik**: (Beaming with pride) Why, thank you!

(Loki ravenously eats the cookies.)

**Erik**: Um . . . would you like some milk with those?

**Loki**: (Grinning widely) Yes!

**Thor**: I cannot _believe_ you're showing such a display of gluttony in front of your king! And right when I'm about to prove everyone wrong and show them I still have the strength I had sixty years ago! (Rubs hands together, bracing to pick up the sword)

**Sif**: (As everyone watches Thor) Well at least no one will be looking at me. I went in for just a trim, I really did—.

**Erik**: And that fast-talking stylist convinced you to get a bob, didn't he?

(Drew sounds the buzzer; Sif leaves.)

**Thor**: (Straining) Any moment now, peasants! Any moment now and you will be staring in awe!

(Loki puts his hands on his hips and purses his lips, indicating that the object Thor's lifting is barely moving.)

**Thor**: (To Loki) You are a fool! You do not know the power that is destined for me! Merlin has said—.

**Erik**: Maybe you should go to the gym for a while before you try to lift Excalibur again, Arthur.

(The buzzer sounds; Thor leaves.)

**Erik**: (Turning to Loki) And you . . .

(Loki smiles, gestures out as if to say how great the party is.)

**Erik**: Do you want some more cookies? I have some dough left in the fridge.

(Loki's eyes widen and he grins, nodding vigorously.)

**Erik**: (Preparing tray) Maybe you shouldn't have cookies, though. Are you sick? Do you have a sore throat?

(Loki shakes his head no.)

**Loki**: Where are the cookies?

**Erik**: I just put them in! What's your rush?

**Loki**: Nothing, I just . . . (Puts his hands up in front of him as though trapped) _I'm in a box!_

**Erik**: Are you a mime who's broken the vow of silence?

(Buzzer sounds, ending the game.)

**Drew Carey**: 500 points to Thor for acting like a feeble old man when, actually, he could probably kick all our butts in about ten seconds.

Okay, let's go on to a game called Scenes from a Hat; this is for all four of you. What happens is before the show we ask the audience to write down suggestions for things they'd like our performers to act out and we take the good ones and put them in this hat and see how many they can do. Starting with . . . (Pulls slip of paper from hat) "Rejected superheroes and villains".

**Thor**: Fear not, citizens! It is I, Marshmallow Man!

**Sif**: . . . And once again, the senior citizen home was saved from chaos and mayhem thanks to Granny O'Grady.

**Loki**: (Looks around as though having just arrived) At last! French Fry Land! Now I, Salt Stealer Guy, will proceed to make the citizens' lives _an existence of flavorlessness!_ (Cackles)

(Buzzer)

**Drew Carey**: (Pulls out paper) "Strange subjects for a musical".

**Erik**: And, brought to you by the number 3 and the letter H, Sesame Street Theater would like to welcome you to the world premiere of _Slimy: An Earthworm Extravaganza!_

**Sif**: (Singing to the tune of "Think of Me")

I have to pee.

I have to pee badly.

But the bathroom's occupied.

I'll hold it in til intermission,

or, at least, I'll try.

**Loki**: (Pitching his idea to producers) Okay, guys, so, it's a forbidden love story, right? She's the shy new girl in town who's really smart and likes to sing and he's the high school's star basketball player and they both end up auditioning for the school musical . . .

**Thor**: (Singing to the tune of "Oklahoma")

Welcome to Jotunheim

where it's freezing for all of the year,

where your ass gets beat by King Laufey,

and they harvest ice cubes from your tears!

(Buzzer)

**Drew Carey**: (Pulls out paper) "First drafts of famous movie scenes".

**Thor**: (Holding Sif close) Promise me you'll never let go, Rose.

**Sif**: Jack, I'll never—(Glances over) Hey, look, pudding! (Pulls out of his arms)

(Thor exits.)

**Loki**: (To Sif) If you don't get on that plane, we'll both regret it—maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely by next Tuesday.

(Loki exits.)

**Sif**: Depending on the kindness of strangers? That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard!

(Sif exits.)

**Thor**: (Lumbers out like Frankenstein's monster) . . . Screw this! (Leaves)

(Buzzer)

**Drew Carey**: (Pulls out paper) "Holiday get togethers gone wrong".

**Sif**: Happy Fourth of July, everybody!

**Thor**: (Runs excitedly up to her) Ooooh, ooooh, let me do the fireworks!

(They exit.)

**Erik**: Okay, everything's ready for the Braille Institute's Christmas party and—(Looks up) Wait a second . . . Why is every inch of the ceiling covered in mistletoe? (Loki sneaks by in the background)

(Erik exits.)

**Loki**: . . . And this year for your birthday, I'm going to go out and get you that pony you've always wanted. (Grins suggestively)

(Buzzer sounds, ending the game.)

**Drew Carey**: 10,000 points to Loki for giving me the material needed to supply months' worth of nightmares.

Now, let's go on to a game called Weird Newscasters. Come on out, all four of you, and have a seat on these stools here. Sif, you're going to be the host of a news program. Erik, you're the co-anchor, and you are Frosty the Snowman who slowly realizes that you're melting. Thor, you're doing the sports; you're obsessed with pickles. Loki, you're doing the weather and you are Count Dracula trying to lure people into your castle. So, whenever you hear the music, Sif, take it away.

(Dramatic intro music plays.)

**Sif**: Welcome to the 6:00 news, I'm your host, Victoria Hugo. Our top story tonight: Panic erupted today at a local park picnic when zealous policemen swarmed in to arrest almost everybody there on charges of theft. Police say the culprits were convicted of stealing baguettes, croissants, muffins, and cinnamon rolls, but all suspects were later released when the authorities made the embarrassing realization that it was National Free Bread Day. And now, over to my co-anchor, Frosty! (Turns to Erik) Frosty?

**Erik**: Hi, Victoria! Well, have we got a lot of news to get to today! Let me tell you, the orange juice industry in Florida is in the center of some hot, hot controversy right now. And speaking of hot, have you ever been to Florida in summer, Victoria? It's very warm. In fact . . . (Makes a droopy expression) Oh . . . oh my . . . Victoria, would you adjust my nose, please? (She "adjusts" his button nose) Thank you. As I was saying, in Florida, the orange groves are . . . (Gets off his stool slowly, starts to kneel) The orchard workers are very upset because . . . oh, God, I'm melting! I'm melting! Help me! Help me, Victoria! Save me! (Collapses onto the ground, making gurgling "melting" noises)

**Sif**: (Stares down at him) Wow. That is so sad. But I'm sure our spirits will be lifted with the triumphs of our favorite teams! Let's go over to Rye Loafingston for the sports! Rye?

**Thor**: Thank you very much, Victoria. All right, sports fans, welcome to the sports desk and I, of course, am your sportscaster, Rye . . . which is also a type of bread, and we use bread to make sandwiches, and you know what goes great with sandwiches? Pickles! I'm telling you right now, ladies and gentlemen, there's nothing more satisfactory in life than a pickle—a big, hard pickle right out of the jar and you just stick it in your mouth and suck all the juice off it before consuming all its deliciousness . . . There's few moments in life as satisfying as that. (Pause; he pantomimes slurping on and then eating a pickle, then exits)

**Sif**: . . . I'm disturbed. (Clears throat) Well, even though there's been no newsworthy information delivered to you so far, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that Mother Nature is always fascinating! With that said, let's go over to our weather desk with Count Dracula! Count?

(Loki, whose back is to the camera, turns around dramatically and fixes the audience with a smoldering stare.)

**Loki**: (Sounding exactly like Bela Lugosi) Hello. It is time for me to deliver the weather forecast today. (Dramatically turns back around to face weather map) It appears that . . . lots of rainclouds are settling over the land . . . and I've just been informed that all the umbrellas in the world have mysteriously disappeared . . . Of course, if you need a place to stay to keep yourselves safe from the downpour, my children of the night . . . (Looks suggestively at the audience)

**Sif**: . . . And that was the 6:00 news. Goodnight. (Dramatic end music plays as she slowly gets off her stool, drawn to Loki's stare)

(Buzzer sounds, ending the game.)

**Drew Carey**: Sorry, guys, I had to cut it off there. Things were getting a little too intense. (Looks at Loki and Sif, who, in turn, look at each other) And 40 points to Thor for giving the censors something to think about.

**Thor**: Thank you, Drew! (Flashes a cheesy grin)

**Drew Carey**: Don't mention it, buddy.

Let's go on to a game called Hats. Erik and Sif, come get a box of hats; Thor and Loki, come get a box of hats. What's going to happen is they're each going to choose a hat one at a time to come up with examples of the world's worst dating service video. Take it away, whenever you're ready.

**Sif**: (With a wig of long red hair) Sure, I've had some issues at the salon lately . . . Only one way to find out what my natural color is.

(Buzzer)

**Erik**: (Wearing a white apron, mimes tossing pizza dough in the air) Now we just have to let it rise. (Slowly looks down at his pants)

(Buzzer)

**Thor**: (Wearing a Santa hat) Who'd like to sit on my lap and tell me what they want?

(Buzzer)

**Loki**: (Wearing a policeman's hat) I'm about to lay down the law all over the place.

(Buzzer)

**Erik**: (Wearing a ship captain's hat) You won't be left high and dry with me!

**Sif**: (Wearing a blond wig with braids) Hello. I spent most of my childhood growing up in a little house on a prairie and—.

(Buzzer)

**Thor**: (Wearing a blue lab coat) Hi! I'm Bill Nye the Science Guy!

(The audience cheers. Some, remembering the theme song, start chanting, "Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill!" until Drew sounds the buzzer.)

**Erik**: (Wearing a white half-mask) Um, hi. I've been trapped under an opera house for the last twenty years, and I really, really, _really_ need to get laid. You'll know the consequences if I'm not. (Looks up at chandelier)

(Buzzer)

**Sif**: (Holding a jar) I'm telling you right now, ladies and gentlemen, there's nothing more satisfactory in life than a pickle!

(Buzzer sounds, ending the game. Thor grins sheepishly as they all sit down.)

**Drew Carey**: And we'll be right back with more "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?" right after this, don't go away!


End file.
